Roughly 10 months ago, when I started HRT, about two weeks later I felt a huge relief wash over me as my anxiety and depression virtually disappeared. Ever since then though, I occasionally have issues with impostor syndrome. You see, I’m one of those people that doesn’t get weighed down too much with dysphoria. I do have dysphoria, but it’s not so severe that it gets in my way or debilitates me like others have been so unfortunate to experience. Because of this, I sometimes wonder if this really is the path I should be on, or I wonder why some people have dysphoria so bad and I don’t seem to be that affected by it.
Today I had my second lesson with a speech language pathologist, so that I can work on feminizing my voice. About halfway through the lesson, he was having me read off some different tongue twisters so that I can work on annunciation of different consonants in what we’re working to be my pitch range. He asked me if I wanted to hear what I sound like, as of course he’s recording everything. As he played it back for me, I could hear myself working to keep it in the female range, but I also could hear this low and bass-like undertone to my voice that, to me, sounded disturbing. I got quiet, and he asked me what I heard. I told him I could hear a bass undertone, it sounded like…a man. And then I started to cry.
I realized today that I don’t have impostor syndrome at all. I realized today that my dysphoria is absolutely real, and definitely does affect me when it shows it’s ugly head. I’ve heard how my voice sounds before, plenty of times. I used to be a DJ in college, and know exactly how my voice sounds coming from outside my head. Today was different. I felt like no matter hard I tried to sound like the woman I feel inside, I just couldn’t seem to get rid of the man the world sees. My coach said he doesn’t hear it the same way, but he does understand that my perception is my reality. I found out today that learning how to feminize my voice is not just going to be about pitch, resonance, and timbre. This is about more than technique and muscle tone. More than anything, it’s going to be about vulnerability, courage, and confidence.
Brene Brown says, “That impostor or phony feeling at work or school rarely has anything to do with our abilities but has more to do with that fearful voice inside of us that scolds and asks, ‘Who do you think you are?’”
I am a woman. I feel it in my soul. The world may not see it yet, but they will. I know this road is going to be hard, but I can’t let it defeat me.
What are some of the ways Dysphoria and/or Impostor Syndrome affects you in your life or in your transition? What are some of the things you do or think about to help yourself get past them?