Welcome to my very first blog! My name is Renee, though it’s not the name I was given at birth. I was given a boy’s name. But, we won’t mention that name, because it never really fit me anyway. Why? Because I’m a girl! I’m transgender, and have been transitioning since about June of 2018.
I’m on a journey that, to be honest, I was always afraid of taking, hoping it just wasn’t true. The first time I remember something being different about me was in 1978, when I was 5 years old in Kindergarten. I was so envious of the little girls in their pretty dresses and pigtails. I was old enough at that time to also realize that this was something to be hidden. Boys weren’t supposed to want to be girls, they were supposed to be tough. Growing up on a military base certainly didn’t help either. So, at 5 years old, into the closet I went. Years of birthday wishes that never came true. Late night prayers to God, begging to be spared the changes of puberty, and so many other underlying events as I watched my life move in a direction that never felt right.
Flash back to around April or May of 2018. I’m not exactly sure of the date, because I didn’t really have a true defining “moment”. All I know is that something inside of me decided enough was enough. I have this image of my conscience telling me, “You know the 40 years of repressed feelings and emotions, the denial, the desperate desire to know your place in the world? It’s time to deal with it. All of it. Right…now.”
“But…I thought I just liked the clothes.”
“Nope, not even close.”
“But, I have a wife…and children…who I love dearly and don’t want to lose.”
Shit…
So, here I am, hours of therapy and daily hormone replacement therapy (HRT) later, trying to make sense out of something most of the world still either doesn’t understand, or refuses to accept. I may be or have been many things, but I’m not a quitter. I considered it…I wondered if it would be SO much easier to just cash in my chips and give up for good. I’ll write a post on that later…but I didn’t do it. Thank God I didn’t do it.
So, why am I here? I have learned so much from others like me, and those who love those others like me. As I transition from being lost to finding my way, I want to be here for others. Not just to provide support or answers (believe me, I’m still doing a lot of searching for answers myself), but also to help other transgender people understand they’re not alone and to hopefully help their loved ones realize that life isn’t over.
The life I should’ve always had is just beginning. Welcome to Becoming Renee.
I’m going to steal an idea from an online friend…I hope she forgives me.
Here are a few interesting things about me…
- I went to University of Houston. Go Coogs!
- I live in Houston, Texas.
- I recently left my Volunteer Fire Department after 25 years as a Firefighter/Medic.
- My Dad, my brother and I are extremely close, and have a long history of saltwater fishing and deer hunting.
- I spent too many years keeping my Mom distant for reasons I’m now getting closer to. My Mom and I are now closer than we’ve ever been and I finally look up to her as her loving daughter.
- I played Percussion most of my life. I was in the University of Houston Marching Band, and also marched in a Top 12 DCI Drum & Bugle Corps.
- I have ridden in the MS150 Bike Ride 12 times. This is a 182 mile bike ride from Houston to Austin, benefitting Multiple Sclerosis.
- I am an Eagle Scout.
- Thanks to my Dad being in the Air Force, I grew up in Texas, California, South Dakota, New Mexico, Wyoming, Belgium, and Alabama.
- I’ve been told that when things get stressful and out of hand, I actually get calmer. Good thing they didn’t see me at the height of my dysphoria. I still can’t believe I didn’t bend my steering wheel from pounding it in a fit of rage. Those days are GONE. Thank you Estrogen!