* Flashback to July, 2018 *
One of the hardest things in life is to face your fears…and your demons. Ever since that first therapy appointment, I had been spending a very large portion of my waking moments contemplating what was going on in my head. My subconscious likely spent many restless nights doing the same thing as I dreamed, even though I don’t remember those dreams. I read, and posted, the stereotypical “Am I Transgender?” topics on Reddit, only to be told by so many what I already knew was true. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that my employer never knew how many hours of productivity were lost to me browsing Reddit and reading blogs such as this one while at work. I must admit, the thoughts about suicide still crept into my mind occasionally. But, thankfully, it was more about reinforcing the conclusion that the world was better with me in it, rather than finding ways of committing the act of suicide itself. For a long time, it wasn’t my own suffering I was worried about. I knew what suicide did to everyone left behind. It would destroy my family. One of my daughter’s best friends took a bottle of Tylenol PM just before the start of their Senior year in High School. A benadryl overdose is usually a one way trip, there’s rarely a way back from it. I was so pissed at him for ruining what was supposed to be one of the best years of her life. To say it devastated her would be putting it lightly. It just wasn’t the answer. Somehow, I had to find a way to make this work. I owed it to myself and my family who I knew loved me. As much shit as my family has been through, surely this could be overcome.
Therapy with Jennie continued on a weekly basis (by the way, my therapist’s name is Jennie…there will be a quiz). I don’t remember if I waited until the second or third appointment before deciding I needed to attend dressed as myself. I even dropped a huge penny on a new wig. After all, if I was going to reinvent myself, I should look good, right? Either way, sitting there dressed as the woman I had been hiding and denying for so many years, listening to Jennie refer to me as Renee and using female pronouns; it was the kind of joy and happiness that can’t be described. It can only be felt, and it had me shaking and crying with tears of joy that I had never felt before. The hard part was coming though, and I was dreading it. I had to figure out how to tell my wife. I had already told one person, and was surprised I had been able to. It was one of those things I had just “allowed to slip out”, because I think it was the only way I was going to have the nerve to do it.
My youngest daughter is a very special part of my life, and has been my little buddy since I first met her when she was 10 years old. She’s 23 now, going on 30, and possesses a spirit that is a beacon of amazing qualities. I do remember when I told her, since she was the first person I told, but I don’t remember exactly how I said it. I was in a fog, still reeling from thoughts of suicide (I kept this from her), but I hadn’t started therapy yet. I don’t think she knew how she wanted to or how she was supposed to react. I really didn’t have any answers. We did agree on one thing though, therapy was definitely the next step. Even though she has yet to see “Me” dressed as myself in person, she has still been an amazing supporter and has had to listen to my drama more than any daughter should ever have to. I love her tremendously.
For the reader – going to therapy does not mean you’re weak. But, it time, it does make you stronger. To this day, my wife has still not attended therapy, and I truly believe this has hindered our progress as friends and spouses. When you bury things away, they fester and rot. If you don’t have someone to talk to, find someone as soon as you can, especially if you’ve ever thought about suicide or if you’re dealing with something that is bigger than yourself. The link below is what I used to find my Gender Therapist. Most importantly, you will need a therapist who can be objective about Gender Dysphoria. DO NOT go to a Christian based therapist. They do not have the ability to be objective about LGBT issues, and I say this as someone who has a very strong faith in God.